​What To Say When You Don’t Know What to Say

Brendan Murphy on February 3, 2020

By the Rev. Laura Di Panfilo

When friends or family members face suffering or loss, it can be challenging to know what words to say to help console them. Have you ever been in a situation where the words of others did not help you? Whenever I am stressed, I am not particularly thankful to hear, “you should relax!” from someone else. Maybe you have been told something unhelpful in your past too. Many of these seemingly trite statements are not said from a place of malice, but rather they reflect the challenge of helping others. As Christians, how does our faith inform our pastoral care?

In 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 the early church in Corinth is told, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all consolation, who consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled by God.” Here we see that God is our comfort and consolation. God cares about our suffering and desires to meet us in these spaces of despair. And this passage shows us that just as God meets us, we are to go to those who hurt. Just as we are consoled by Christ we must offer this care towards others.

In all seasons of life, we can offer other people pastoral care. Here are three guiding principles to help us in our efforts:

  1. Prayer. By praying, we make space to hear from God. We also lift our burdens up to God. It also serves us well to pray for others before we talk to them and ask for God’s help in caring for them. We can also pray with and after our encounters as well.
  2. God does the healing. Sometimes it is helpful to remember that their experience is not your experience. We often think we have the right “advice” if we have lived through a similar life situation as the person who is suffering but sometimes people need to be heard on their own terms. It is tempting to over-relate, but it is often more beneficial to let the other person tell you how they are feeling than to assume you know because you have experienced something similar. Ultimately, all healing comes from God and this fact can free us from worrying about trying to “fix” people.
  3. There is no “right thing” to say. Sometimes we worry if we said the right thing or not but the truth is, when someone is suffering there is no “right thing” you can say. You do not have a magic wand and you cannot take their pain away. But your presence and attentiveness in challenging situations is a consolation. And it is important to remember that God sent you to be present in this situation and this is a comforting thought. God equips us and gives us the words when we do not have them and will be with you as you seek to help others.

As Christians, we are called to sit with others in their loss and suffering. It is not always easy work, but as the scripture reminds us, we do not do this work alone: God goes before, with, and after us.